I'd just like to offer a rundown and critique of last night's abysmal (oops! SPOILER!) performances.

Feel free to disagree. I love a good discussion.

The contestants are ranked according to the stankiness of their performances. I've marked who I think should be booted tonight, who actually will be booted, and who I think will win.

And here's an evaluation of the theme as a whole:

Does Diana also think crack is wack?

Diana Ross may be a legend, but she's also obviously on some sort of hallucinogen. Some of those comments she made last night were so strange. No wonder the kids had such a hard time interpreting her music.

As themes go, I wish they'd stop highlighting mediocre, has-been musicians' songbooks. It makes for some boring performances. Go back to genres, for heaven's sake, so that we can see some range and versatility!

And now for last night's performances!

12. Sanjaya Malakar (SHOULD BE BOOTED)

"Ain't No Mountain High Enough"

Oh, Sanjaya. You were so cute when you first auditioned. It's too bad that I've known church mice louder than you.

His pitch isn't bad, and he has pretty good control; the problem with Sanjaya is that he has no power behind his voice. Whenever he sings, I want to yell, "Somebody get that kid a sandwich!" He sounds like he hasn't eaten in weeks.

He didn't even sing Diana Ross' version of this song. He sang the Marvin Gaye/Tammi Terrell version. But even that didn't horrify me as much as his bizarre hair. What the heck was up with the poodle-do?? He looked like a pre-op tranny last night.

Sanjaya cannot hang with this field of competitors (he really should not have made it this far), but I think he has a big enough fan base to stick around another week. Between the pre-teen girl market and the long-overlooked Indian market, I think we'll be treated to one more awful song before Sanjaya takes his final bow.

Way to rock the vote, India!

11. Haley Scarnato (WILL BE BOOTED)

"Missing You"

For once, I agree with Paula. Haley is a pretty girl. But, man, that song was awful. It came pretty close to making it to the bottom of this list. The only thing that saved Haley from that indignity was the fact that she's a wee bit louder than Sanjaya. Other than that, she was pretty crappy and sappy and boring.

I have no idea what Simon was talking about when he said she had "presence." What presence? Unless he's talking about the human personification of Boredom, I'm going to suspect that he actually felt sorry for poor On-the-Verge-of-a-Public-Meltdown Scarnato and cut her a little slack.

Unfortunately for her, she doesn't have a specific fan base like Sanjaya does. This means that all the people who might otherwise vote for her will probably vote for Jordin or Melinda because they are miles better than Haley. I predict the boot for Haley.

10. Chris Sligh

"Endless Love"

I'm a fan of Chris Sligh. He's hilarious and the good Lord knows that we could sure use some personality in the music industry these days. On top of that, he can actually sing.

That is, he can sing when he's not butchering my favorite love song of all time. I love Coldplay, too, but I think there's a reason they never did an "Endless Love" remake. That arrangement really was bizarre.

He is a solid singer, though, so I hope he lives to redeem himself.

9. Blake Lewis

"You Keep Me Hangin' On"

I like Blake, too. I love his beatboxing skillz and I think he's the best-looking dude in the competition at this point.

But that weird electronica remix of this song was awful. Most of the performances last night just weirded me out. I just didn't get them.

But he's a fun performer, and cute to boot, so I think he'll be back.

8. Brandon Rogers

"You Can't Hurry Love"

B is for Brandon. B is also for Boring.

I love Diana Ross' Supremes stuff. So cute, and so representative of the era. But, MAN, for a back-up singer, he sure is boring!!

He also had a pretty hilarioius voice-crack during the song. But I will concede that he recovered valiantly. Bravo, Boring Brandon. Bravo.

7. Gina Glocksen

"Love Child"

All I can say is: what the heck?? Last night was just so WEIRD. Weird performances, weird songs - I blame Diana Ross.

Of all the songs chosen, I thought this was the weirdest. "Love Child?" Seriously? A song about an illegitimate baby? I don't know what was weirder: Glocksen's choice of song, Paula's comment that it was a "feel-good" song or Simon's comment that he thought it was a good song choice that happened to be executed rather poorly.

I just thought it was WEIRD. Gina has a strong enough voice, but I think the look and faux-rocker vibe is almost as gimmicky as Paul Kim and his stank feet.

6. Chris Richardson

"The Boss"

I'd never heard of this song before Timberfake sang it last night, and I'm not likely to remember it, either. It can be summed up in one word: FORGETTABLE. It wasn't bad, it wasn't great, it really wasn't remarkable in any way. But that sums up Timberfake as a whole, to me.

5. Phil Stacy

"I'm Gonna Make You Love Me"

Of all the dudes last night, I think Phil had the strongest performance, just by virtue of the fact that he was the only one who really went for it, vocally speaking.

I still think that Sergeant Gollum is scary-looking, but he took the guys' prize last night, fo sho.

But, for all his screaming and yelling, his performance wasn't particularly memorable, either.

4. Jordin Sparks

"If We Hold on Together"

I think Jordin Sparks is cute as a button! To me, she is a musical version of America Ferrara.

Too bad she picked such a sickly-sweet song to sing. It was so.. twee, and I mean that in a more pejorative sense.

She still outsang all the boys, though, so: well done, Jordin!

3. Stephanie Edwards

"Love Hangover"

I thought this was a weird song to sing, too, but Stephanie has a genuineness to her that La Glocksen lacks, which I think enabled her to pull off this song.

She has a strong enough voice that this weird song wasn't painful to watch. I think Simon was right about us all waiting for her to go nuts, though. Next week, next week.

2. LaKisha Jones

"God Bless the Child"

LaKisha did a great job - better than Miss Ross, really. LaKisha has a great voice. It was a fantastic vocal.

I do wish LaKisha showed a little more personality, though. The way she performs makes me feel like she's a little bored when she's up there.

But, IMO, she'll be in the final two with Melinda (SPOILER!!).

1. Melinda Doolittle (SHOULD WIN IT ALL!)

"Home"

I think Simon said it best when he told Melinda that she took a boring song and made it great. That's the power of a truly great vocalist. I mean, this song was from The Wiz, for heaven's sake!

i think Melinda is the total package. Great voice, cute girl, good performer, and a winning personality to boot! She is adorable and I think it'll be a shame if she doesn't take it all.

Well, don't forget to tune in for the results tonight! See you next week!